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Happy Halloween!

True story. This actually happened at my neighborhood bar, "Twins," in New York City a couple of Halloweens ago. A fellow comes in dressed as Jesus. He has the beard, the long hair, white rob, etc. He asks the bartender for a red wine. Leon, the bartender, brings him a glass of water and says, "Here, make it yourself."
Happy Halloween everyone!

Bells will be ringing

(Click image to enlarge.)

Forbes magazine has named Elvis Presley the number one money making "Dead Star" for the fourth year in a row. This year’s take so far, $40 Million. Not bad for a man who, when he died, had only two million in his checking account and a few thousand in savings. Had he lived, he might have ended up broke. It’s hard to believe he’s been dead for 26 years.

At the time of Elvis’ death in 1977, news stories from UPI were telegraphed to the WTCG newsroom (then a closet in the studio), via a big, clunky teletype machine. From the late 1920s, well into to the late 1980s, this machine was the industry standard for news distribution. Routine stories were signaled by a single bell, at which point the noisy beast would begin cranking out “copy” on small rolls of paper. The more important the story, the more bells would ring. When a “Bulletin” of this magnitude came across, the bell would sound repeatedly to alert news folks. If I recall, Elvis got ten bells, which was big stuff. The wire copy above is from the original UPI wire service announcement back in 1977. There are some things you just don’t throw away.

Short Takes

• Many people don’t remember that Groucho Marx died one day after Elvis. His passing was all but ignored since the King of Rock and Roll drew all the attention of the world’s press. I always found this sad, especially for a man who had the world's greatest timing, at least in life. I wonder how Groucho is doing on the Forbes list of moneymaking “Dead Stars”?

• While I’m on the subject of obits, I was sorry to hear of the passing of Rod Roddy, the "Price Is Right" announcer who made the phrase "Come on down" part of the American vernacular. A jovial man, well known for his collection of loud sport coats, Rod fought cancer for two years before losing his battle. But according to all who knew him, he kept upbeat throughout. Rod was one of the last of the big personality, big voice announcers, now a fading breed. Roddy was 66.

• While in the car the other day, I heard this blurb on the radio: A new survey has been released that reports viewers of "Oprah" suffer from stress and tend to take more medication for stress related problems. I guess they missed the one that shows eighty-five to ninety percent of Jerry Springer’s viewers drink Budweiser and live in trailers.

Reviews

In The Cut
Starring Meg Ryan, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Mark Ruffalo
Pathé Productions.
Rated R

Sweet, adorable Meg Ryan strips and has wild sex in "In The Cut". Okay, now that I have your attention, this is the new sexual thriller from Jane Campion, of "The Piano" fame. Campion both directed the tale and wrote the screenplay based on the novel of the same name by Susanna Moore. At some point in the project, Meg Ryan replaced Nichole Kidman, who was originally cast as the sex-starved professor named Franny. Ryan’s character Franny begins dating a police detective (Mark Ruffalo), who is investigating a murder that occurred in her neighborhood. It seems the victim’s head was found in the yard behind Franny’s apartment building. I shouldn't say they are dating, basically they are just doing the horizontal mambo.

Franny has a sister named Pauline (played by Jennifer Jason Leigh) who lives upstairs of the "Baby Doll Lounge", where she strips and pole dances. Unfortunately, we never get to see that. Pauline figures into the plot in other ways, but I won't say anymore than that. Franny also has a stalker, in the form of Kevin Bacon, who did this role un-credited. Good thinking Kevin. "In The Cut" is shot mostly in lower Manhattan. For NYC dwellers, there are tons of close-ups of places you will recognize. I did, and can tell you there really is a "Baby Doll Lounge." Watching this film, I was reminded of the New York of old, before it was turned into Disneyland.

"In The Cut" gets predictable somewhere around the halfway point, and if you make it to the last twenty minutes you won’t be surprised. And how is Meg in those sex scenes you ask? Well, in "When Harry Met Sally" she faked an orgasm in a diner to show Harry how easily a woman can fake it. With this film, she is supposed to be having real orgasms. Take it from me, her fake one was better.

Scary Movie 3

Dimension Films
Starring Charlie Sheen, Anna Faris, Regina Hall & Leslie Nielson
Rated PG-13

If you’re looking for a scare or even some sophisticated humor, "fuggedaboutit". You won't find either with Scary Movie 3, but you will find a machinegun barrage of silly jokes mixed with enough cartoon violence to make the Three Stooges proud. It’s classic Zucker, in this case David Zucker, who directed and partially wrote the movie. David is the brother of Jerry and partner of Jim Abrahams. Together, these three guys revolutionized comedy film in the1980s, beginning with “Airplane”. But more about that later.

D. Zucker is in top form with "Scary Movie 3", a film that spoofs "The Ring", "Signs", "The Sixth Sense" and even "8 Mile" in some measure. After all, you’ve got to work the hip-hop scene in there somehow. Charlie Sheen stars as Tom Logan, the one time man-of-the-cloth who has turned his back on religion and become a farmer. Anna Farris is back as Cindy, this time responsible for her young nephew who sees dead people, among other things. The boy is thrown out of windows, bashed in the head with hammers, hit by a car and catapulted fifty feet in the air, but always shows up in the very next scene without a scratch. No doubt, Zucker fans will get a huge kick from these fail-safe continuity gags.

In another scene, the boy’s Aunt leaves him with a babysitter who is a Catholic Priest. This film is an equal opportunity offender and no one gets a pass. And let’s not forget cameos by Pamela Anderson as Catholic School Girl #1, Queen Latifah as the Psychic Shaniqua, and Simon Cowell as himself. Simon plays a judge at the Rap Concert, but when he makes the same type of remarks that made him a household name on "American Idol", the contestants fire back, literally. Many real "Idol losers” probably wished they could have done the same.

In his role of the bumbling, dim-witted President, Leslie Nielson once again shows how funny serious acting can be. Although now nearing eighty, Nielson's delivery isn’t as strong as it used to be, but he does deliver a line that will have "Airplane" fans cheering. As for Charlie Sheen, he may very well be the next Leslie Nielson. Stay tuned for "Scary Movie 4".

Don't Call Me Shirley

Leslie Nielson was just another aging character actor when (in the late 1970s), the brothers David and Jerry Zucker, with partner Jim Abrahams, cast him in the groundbreaking comedy "Airplane". Nielson played Dr. Rumack, a character that spent the better part of the movie desperately trying to save the lives of passengers on the doomed flight. Suddenly, after 40 years in the business, Nielson was a comic genius and an overnight sensation. On the heels of “Airplane”, Zucker, Zucker and Abrahams cast him again in their short lived, but hilarious TV series "Police Squad." Once again spoofing an old genre, this time the TV detective show. As Lt. Frank Drebin, Nielson fumbled through case after case, but sadly, only for six episodes. The reason executives at ABC gave for canceling the show was, no kidding, "It was the kind of show you had to watch." Is there any wonder what has become of television? Yet, in an inspired move, Leslie Nielson and the producing team took Lt. Drebin to the big screen for a successful three picture run of the "Naked Gun" series.

Somewhere along the way, Nielson picked up a flatulence machine. Similar to a Whoopie Cushion, the palm size squeeze toy made the most disgusting fart sounds. He found it hilarious and brought it everywhere, including to my talk show on CNN, "People Now”. Throughout the interview, Nielson would squirm in his chair and squeeze the toy. He got a kick out of watching people around him react to this man with a serious gas problem. We’ve run into each other many times in the twenty years since, and he still carries the darn thing in his pocket. This from the man who, way back in 1958, wooed Debbie Reynolds in "Tammy and the Batchelor”.

Trivia bit: Did you know "Airplane" was based on a circa 60's film called "Zero Hour?" The dialog is almost word for word. Hilarious!

Kicker

• I’m sure you’ve heard that Mr. & Mrs. Liza Minnelli have split. Now it seems David Gest (Mr. Minnelli), is suing his bride for ten million bucks. The music producer has accused the over-the-hill diva of getting drunk and beating up on him. As a result, he now claims to suffer from, believe it or not: nausea, hypertension, scalp tenderness, insomnia and phonophobia. I thought that meant he couldn't play her records without bursting into tears, but actually, it’s a fear of sounds, voices and telephones. Gee! If he had taken Zenecal he would only have to worry about oily spotting and frequent bowel movements and the inability to control them. Yes, things have certainly changed since the happy wedding photo* above. Think about it, this is the photo they approved! If you want a laugh, do what I did and have it copied and framed, then mix it in with your family photos and wait. I came home the next day to find my wife Lisa on the floor, doubled over with laughter.

• Sorry to hear Robert DeNiro was recently diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. Glad to here they caught it early enough that a full recovery is expected. I always looked forward to talking with him whenever he was promoting a new film. He hated doing those interviews, but always gave it his best. I’m pleased to tell you he is a genuinely nice person and always made me laugh. We wish him a speedy recovery and will say a prayer.

• So CNN sends Paula Zahn, complete with hair and make-up people in tow, halfway around the world to interview President Bush #1 about his WW2 fighter pilot days for "The Fly Boys". How au currant! What's next, "The Truman Years with Larry King"?

Stay tuned…

*Wedding photo from Vanity Fair Magazine.

Reviews

The Station Agent
Starring Peter Dinklage, Patrica Clarkson, Bobby Cannavale
Rated R
Miramax

If you are a dwarf who happens to be an actor, what sort of roles do you get? Dwarf roles, of course. And invariably, these are supporting, not starring roles. As far as I know, there’s never been a movie about what it’s like to go through life under five feet tall, until now. Tom McCarthy, who wrote and directed "The Station Agent”, tells a remarkably beautiful story of Fin McBride, a shy, small man who, despite his physical differences, is comfortable in his skin. The story begins when Fin, a train buff (played by Peter Dinklage), inherits an abandoned railway station in South Jersey.

Fin would rather be alone than suffer the comments and stares of strangers, but that just isn't going to happen here, thanks to Joe (Bobby Cannavale) who sets up shop each morning outside Fin’s new home. Bobby runs his fathers Hot Dog and Coffee truck and why he parks it where there’s never any traffic is never explained. It doesn't need to be, because Joe is just a likable and entertaining character. So much so, that it isn’t long before Fin lets his guard down and their friendship begins. Next, Fin encounters Olivia (Patricia Clarkson), and falls head over heels for her in their first meeting, even though she almost runs over him with her SUV. Olivia is both newly separated from her husband and trying desperately to recover from the death of her seven year old son. Add Cleo (Raven Goodwin), a little girl who hangs around the train station and doesn't seem to notice Fin is an adult. To her, he’s just a friend who is exactly her size. And Emily, (Michelle Williams), the sensual young Librarian who comes close to a sexual encounter with Fin.

By this point, you may guess where this is going. Lonely people band together, misfits unite, and so on. But this movie has much more to offer. It is a story you can completely buy into. Peter Dinklage's performance of Fin makes me hope there are more leading roles in his future, but it will be tough to find another as rich as Fin. Patricia Clarkson, once again, gives a performance that makes you forget she’s acting. And three cheers to Bobby Cannavale as Joe. All in all, "The Station Agent" is a great ride. It’s a film you want to share with someone and see more than once. I plan to see it again, next time with my wife.

Mystic River
A film by Clint Eastwood
Starring Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Kevin Bacon, Marcia Gay Hardin
Rated R
Warner Brothers

Every review for this film has been wonderful and I don't think I could add more. Bottom line, go see it. There’s little doubt that Eastwood will be taking home the Oscar for Best Director next year. Kevin Bacon plays Sean, a Boston detective trying to solve the murder of Jimmy's daughter. Sean Penn (as Jimmy), proves again that he’s one of the most talented actors of his generation. You actually feel his loss when he’s told his daughter has been murdered. Tim Robbins is amazing to watch as Davy, a broken man suffering from his own abduction and sexual abuse as a child. And Marcia Gay Hardin, as Davy's wife, is left confused and helpless by his actions. Overall, the film is perfectly cast, perfectly directed and damn near perfect. "Mystic River" has Oscar written all over it.

Kicker

• Speaking of Clint Eastwood, I'm reminded of a story I once heard Burt Reynolds tell. Clint and Burt were both under contract to the same studio early in their careers. One day, they were both called to the boss’ office, where the studio head informed them they were both fired. He told Burt, "You can't act", and he told Clint, "You’re going nowhere with that adam's apple". As they were leaving the studio lot, Burt said to Clint, "At least I can take acting lessons".

• New York Post gossip columnist Richard Johnson reports that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's" Kyan Douglas is letting his sudden fame go to his head. At a recent party, Douglas was reported to have yelled, "get the bleepin' press out of here". I’ve seen it a thousand times and it won’t be long before he’ll be begging the press to hang around. I give him about six months before his fifteen minutes are up.

• Page Six also reports Rodney Dangerfield met with the Raelian Cult to learn how to have himself cloned. Scary thought, but should it happen, I can see the Post headline now, "Clown Gets Cloned".

• Have you seen Britney Spears naked butt on the cover of this months Esquire? Not too long ago, her handlers ripped into me for asking if it were true she had breast augmentation. How dare I ask such a thing of this innocent, all-American girl? Just look at her now. In this month’s Esquire, you'll find the innocent one wearing nothing but panties and pearls. Can Playboy be far behind?

• Rush Limbaugh is having his share of problems lately, but I'm reminded of a more innocent time. When Rush was a young disc jockey in Pittsburgh, going by the name Jeff Christy, he and I worked at the same stations in the same markets. When “Jeff Christy” was at WIXZ in the Pittsburgh-McKeesport Pa. market, I was "Paul Cleveland". When Jeff was at KQV in the Steel City, I was "Bill Williams". If you’d like to hear Rush as a time-and-temp jock, go to The Jay Marks Collection at reelradio.com (scroll down near bottom), and check out the Jeff Christy clip. None of my stuff survived. Go figure.

The Governator

There was never any doubt in my mind that Arnold Schwarzenegger would win the election in California, no matter how much dirt his opponents managed to dig up. He came to this country, as a twenty something body builder from a different culture, out to get the American dream. By this point, he’s done it a million times over. I’ve met him on several occasions and can tell you the guy has both charm and a great sense of humor. It’s exactly these qualities that helped him win this election. Has he ever failed at anything? Not that I know of. Alright, so "End of Days" wasn’t his best film.

Regarding his alleged sexual misconduct, my take is that he was young, famous and handled both as if he were a big kid in a candy store. But as film producer Samuel Goldwyn once said, "We've all passed a lot of water since then". Personally, if you dug into my background, I’d be lucky to get elected dog catcher.

I must admit though, Arnold seemed to have been channeling Ricky Ricardo in recent weeks. In a recent interview, Arnold said of the mudslinging, "If you become a front-runner, they're going to throw everything that you've done into the kitchen sink". Again, it’s those “Arnoldisms” that make you like him more. That's my opinion, anyway.

Will his film career be put on hold for the next four years? No doubt, yes. After all, it would seem rather inappropriate to leave the Governor's office for six or seven months to crank out another "Terminator". Maybe he could just come up with a plot wherein the lead character runs a state. Then he could just shoot it on location. Sort of K-Street meets Total Recall.

Now that he is the Governator, let’s see if he can fix up the Golden State, which has become somewhat tarnished lately. My guess is he’ll succeed, yet again.

Reviews

NOW PLAYING:
Wonderland
Starring Val Kilmer, Lisa Kudrow
Written and Directed by James Cox
Rated R

You might assume "Wonderland", the story of porn star John Holmes, a.k.a. Johnny Wadd, is a romp in the porn genre. Not even close. Instead, the story picks up after Holmes (played by Val Kilmer, in yet another of his lowlife roles) has become a washed up coke head. Holmes becomes involved, through a bunch of scumbag friends, in what are now called "The Wonderland Murders". These so-called friends were brutally murdered in the Laurel Canyon section of Los Angeles in 1981.

Proving there is no honor among thieves, Holmes sets up nightclub kingpin Eddie Nash for robbery. Nash gets revenge (in the form of the bloody killings), after he learns it was the ex-porn stars’ friends who did it. Holmes beats the rap on everything, all the while dragging around his young girlfriend played by Kate Bosworth. Enter Lisa Kudrow as Sharon Holmes. Although she remains distant from her husband, she inexplicably befriends his young girlfriend, in a sort of mother-daughter relationship. One gets the sense that Mrs. Wadd still loves Johnny but just couldn’t tolerate him showing off his famous endowment. Hollywood legend has it that his “endowment” was 14 inches long.

She gives him money, keeps her mouth shut around the cops and even bathes him when he shows up covered in blood on the night of the murders. This character is nowhere near the typical Kudrow roles of perky, slightly dippy blonds. In "Wonderland" she plays a far more intense character in the form of a frump with mousy brown hair worn in a bun.

Technically speaking, writer-Director James Cox uses every trick in the book to drag you into this seedy world. Fast motion, slow motion, color that fades to sepia. Overall, I found it to be a violent, bloody, depressing story of a world that exists behind closed doors in the Hollywood Hills. For my money, that’s where it should stay. I left the screening feeling the need to take a shower.

NEW ON VIDEO:
Hollywood Homicide
Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett
Rated PG-13

Is it a buddy film? Is it a comedy? Is it action adventure? It doesn't know and that might be one reason "Hollywood Homicide" came and went at the box office. As well, the chemistry between sixty-something Harrison Ford and twenty-something Josh Hartnett just didn't click with audiences. It does have some good chase scenes and funny moments, especially for Ford, whose character is trying to supplement his LAPD income by selling real estate. Hartnett’s character really wants to be an actor. How many real L.A. cops are just waiting for their acting break? Hundreds I'll bet. The film is rated PG-13 but would have gotten an R had the steamy love scenes with Ford and the sexy Lena Olin stayed in the picture. Too bad the scenes aren’t even in the DVD's extra package. As an aside, it is nice to see Frank Sinatra Jr. working again. He has a cameo, along with a few other obscure names. And yes, that is Lou Diamond Philips in drag!

Kicker

• And now here are the scores: Tigers 1 Roy 0
But seriously folks, we wish Roy all the best and are glad to hear he’s doing better.

• Don’t you think it's an odd coincidence that "School of Rock" (this weeks number one film), stars Jack Black and was written by Mike White?

• Song and dance man Donald O'Connor passed away last week at 78. As you might know, among other great roles, he starred in the "Francis the Talking Mule" series, playing comic relief and sidekick to the four legged blabbermouth. I’d heard an old story about the series and asked Mr. O'Connor if it were true. The story goes like this: The films were doing great at the box office, so O'Connor decides to ask the head of the studio for more money, pointing out that the films were all hits. The studio bigshot snapped back, "Yes that’s true, but we don't know who the real star is, you or the mule". Donald O'Conner told me the story was true.

Program note: "The Station Agent" review, promised for this week, will be reviewed next week when it opens on more screens. Stay tuned...